I'm home

This is the very first picture of Gracie that I took with my camera. Taken at a time when she knew little of individual attention and knew even less of having a mama. She is pictured here with Genrich, my facilitator.

Well I'm home.

Had a miserable time trying to stay awake but did and I have to say that my bed has never felt so good. I'm anxious to grab one specific little 4 year old and snuggle the afternoon away. Someday I will.

I have to say how much I appreciate my homeland, my country, my state and my home. I'm home, where toilet paper is soft, lane lines mean something, milk is milk (not boiled and fermented), where there are seats on toilets (one day, I fully weighed the risk of kidney infection vs using the toilet that was available---The risk paid off though because I am free of any UTI), where meat means beef or pork, where a complete stranger will smile to you and offer to lend a hand if you need it. Thank God for the USA. We live in the greatest land on earth.

That being said, there is so much I will miss . Of course, first and foremost, my daughter Gracie, she is wonderful beyond my imagination, my new friends and interpreters Karina and Lesa, they were so nice to me and really gave me a feeling of comfort with their presence and help and they proved to be good photographers and the water pressure of my shower (it was amazing).

I'm so mindful of the blessings I have here at home. Understanding the words when someone speaks to you, the greeting from those whom you haven't seen in awhile, the comfort of soft toilet paper and a seat to sit on (can't be overstated), left wheeled cars and traffic that is not bumper to bumper, cool fresh air, ICE especially when it is surrounded by good fresh tea, all the TV and internet you could ask for and last but not least the love of family and friends.

I learned a lot about myself going over there. There is now nothing I wouldn't do for a little girl who is not in my hands but in my heart. I need to work on being content where I am, seeing the blessings of simple life or of the growth that comes with adversity. Recognizing potential, not just the obvious potential of that amazing little girl (and not to minimize that) but the potential that lies in me. I won't ever claim to be a seasoned traveller, but I survived (something I wasn't always sure I would do) and I'm still chewing on the concept of bravery. People say I am brave for doing this, but to be honest, have felt not even one moment of bravery through all of this. I have to say that I am scared, excited, tired, weary and determined. Making a difference to myself means making a difference to someone else at the same time. I like to think it's always been that way.

Not sure what my life will look like with that busy little girl in it full time, but it's time to start preparing for it. One thing is for sure, I need to start baby proofing my house. Now! She's got a touch of mischief in her and I need to be ready for it. But first, I think I'll take a nap. I have a little catching up to do.

Thank you all for thinking about me, sending me your positive thoughts and prayers and support. I can't wait for you to meet her! She's amazing. One of God's finer creations.

This is one of the pictures taken on day 4 of 5. It is one of my favorites. I love the sparkle in her eyes, the happiness on her face and the enthusiasm in her demeanor. She blossomed in the time I was there. Can't wait to see her continued growth and new personality.

Gracie Day 5- Last day for awhile :(

Well, much to my disapointment, my time with Gracie was shortened today. Trafic was heavy and Genrich was late. Although he had a new friend drive today and I'm pretty sure he made up some time on the road. It was a little scary! Ok it was alot scary! When we did get there, Gracie wasn't quite ready for me so we waited. Pretty soon Gracie was carried through the door by one of the workers. She was ready to go in some short little cropped pants and a sweater. Much better than the dress (although it was cute) for playing.

She enjoyed the cheerios and even got the hang of the cup with the special lid for no-spills, then before too long wanted a drink of mama's water. After that, we travelled upstairs again for a bathroom run. She didn't seem to mind that the other kids were getting suited up to go outside, but I found out later that she was very upset that she would miss class-time because of my visit. So being the mischevious child that I have found her to be, she weaseled her way into the classroom where we had lessons. It was too cute watching the teacher work with her on facial expressions. Creasing her brows, moving her tongue up and down and right to left were challenges for her coordination. So cute to watch. And let me tell you, that girl has a loooong tongue. I understand that one characteristic of DS is a short palate not a long tongue, but I wonder if she doesn't have both. Either way, it's cute!

Saying goodbye was the part I dreaded for this whole week. She was so busy and slightly ornery. She made claim to her blanket and dolly and they went first into her own bed then to multiple other beds so she could tell her friends that those were hers. I tried to get a picture of her tucking her baby into the blanket, but had forgotten to delete yesterday's pictures off the smart card so had run out of room in the memory. I'm so bummed about that. It was cute and she was so very careful and precise. In the end, I tried to tell her that mama was going paka for a long time this time but I would come back for her and that I loved her very much. Well she was much too busy for that until the very end when she figured out that mama was really leaving. I got one more hug and off she went. It made me sad, but would have made me much sadder if I had to have someone peel her out of my arms. One day, I will be back for her and we'll walk out of that door forever. That is now my landmark day to look forward to. It will come, I know it will. I have a daughter to bring home!

Snack time

Gracie's having snack.

We'll have to work on that tongue thrust thing a little. :)

Gracie Day 4

When I got there today, Gracie was having a snack.
We caused quite a stir when we entered the room


Happy birthday Tyler! We're gonna have great fun together!

She even makes the huskers look cute!


Fun times in the ball pit.

This is where she sleeps. She's showing me her bed.

In the hallway playing in the mirror. We were on our way up to her groupa when it was time for me to leave.


A big kiss for mama! She did not want me to leave today. I think she yelled to every kid today "My mama". My heart already hurts when I think about tomorrow. How can I say goodbye to her for so long. Makes me cry.

Nyet that's MY mama!

Well today started out on a slightly sad note. Genrick went to get Gracie from her common room and when they were coming back, I heard a boom and a very sad cry. Gracie bumped her head as she was coming down the hall. Genrick being the guy that he is was holding her facing away from him. I went to them and held out my hands and she lept into my arms. I was still sad about her ouchy but my heart soared that she wanted ME!

We went to the special room and again played and played. She wasn't as busy as yesterday, but definitely had me running. The door was closed today so it was a little extra stuffy in there.

I brought some large drawing sheets and some colors for her and she really did like to color. But pretty soon, she had way too much energy to sit there any longer and to the ball pit we went. After awhile, Karina (my wonderful interpreter) recognized that typical "I gotta go potty" dance which must be universal. She asked Gracie if she had to go potty and she said yes. So Gracie grabbed my hand and off we went. Upstairs two flights and down the hall we entered a room that had 12 or so children in it that were all about Gracie's age. Gracie knew just what to do. She grabbed her pot and promptly sat down on it and did her business. While she was doing that, the kids in the room noticed us and all started gathering around me saying "mama". Gracie came out of that bathroom jumped into my arms and said NYET that's MY MAMA! I heard the nyet and could hear her tone which was very stern. Karina told me while she was giggling what Gracie was saying. I'M HER MAMA! It makes me cry even as I'm typing it.

We tried on some different clothes which Gracie thought was so fun. She had the cutest t-shirt and underpants on which looked brand new. I could see her scar on her chest and you can feel that her breast bone has been disrupted and put back together, but she is very ticklish and wouldn't let me get too long of a look. The 3T outfit is too big as I suspected. The 2T t-onsie that I brought is also slightly too big. The 18 month t-shirt fit her very nicely. She's a peanut. My camera battery died about that time so I wasn't able to get any pictures of her in the other outfits.

Then I tried to trace her foot. WAY too ticklish for that! But she tried to do it herself after that. She really liked the colors until I took them away because she tried to eat them. :)

When it was time to go, I walked her up to the common room again. She really didn't want to go back and tried to stay in a sitting room just outside. I gave her hugs and kisses and whispered in her ear how many people she has that love her. Mama most of all. She was so full of hugs today and gave me lots of love. I don't know how I can just leave her in 3 more days. It's going to be too hard. Makes me cry some more.

On a very sad note, Karina said the workers told her of a girl Alice I think who is also listed on Reeces Rainbow. She is a couple of months younger than Gracie I think. Alice was considered to be unteachable so she was transferred to the institution recently. Makes my heart sad because she is one that I was drawn to. Her picture looked so sweet and gentle. I find it so hard to ignore all the others whom I can't help and can do nothing about. Why does it have to be that way?

Paka,

Deana

Day 2

We had a good time with the tunnel today.

She liked the hoops. It was obvious that she has done something specific with them before, but I didn't understand what.

This picture is a favorite of mine even though its a little dark.

Playing with the toys.

A hug for mama. She went for her dolly first thing. She likes it Syd.

Today we played and we played hard. If there were 100 toys in that room then we played with 99 of them. She didn't think much of the cute dress they put her in for my benefit since she couldn't climb and play like she likes. One time, I looked at her as she was gathering her dress bottom up to around her waist just to get it out of her way.

I am so moved when I reflect on her and how wonderfully made she is. The people here keep referring to her as being sick because she has Down syndrome and I just want to say, she's not sick. She is just the way she is supposed to be! The way God made her! My daughter. :)

Welcome to Siberia

And it's been a good welcome.

It's late and I am still in a deficit when it comes to sleep, so I'll make this as short as I can. There is so much to say though. I just have to say that when God blesses, he does it abundantly. She is so beautiful. The joy that she puts forth could brighten anyone's mood. It sure did mine.

The referral was granted today by a woman who asked some very stern questions and slowly softened before me. She asked why I wanted a defective child and how I would take care of her. What kind of family support did I have and would she have adequate therapy and training when she is in school. Then she said that what they (Russia) wanted to do most is find her a family that would love and take care of her, and it looked like they had found one. She gave me tips on papers to bring with me to go before the judge and granted the referral.

And now for the good part......This is the home she has lived in her whole life. She was born on April 4, 2006 to two parents who were very young. She was left at the hospital and has not had a visitor for a very long time. I was told that her grandmother would visit her occasionally but even that has not happened for a long time. She had heart surgery at age 1 and has been cleared of any cardiac problems recently as a follow-up by her cardiologist.

She really liked the baby doll that her big sister picked out for her. When the orphanage director told her to give it a kiss, she did for the camera. She was said to be a leader and "not too bossy". Said she is friendly to everyone and obeys. She likes to follow directions.

She took the blanket that my mom made for her and folded it up to wrap up the baby doll.

She also liked using the magna-doodle that I brought for her. We're gonna have so much fun coloring!

Isn't it so nice to see a smile on that pretty face!

Bed is calling me now. I'm sure I'll post more tomorrow.

PAKA

Deana

Eleven months, three weeks and one day

What is that you ask....

It's the amount of time it has taken for me to meet my girl. Almost a year ago, I committed to a little girl who stole my heart. She drew me in and touched my soul. God led me to her and I've been on a mission ever since. Oh yes, I've had times that I thought "This is JUST TOO HARD" "I can't do this" and then there is the ever so gentle nudge that God gives me saying "THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL NEEDS YOU....YOU NEED THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL"

What a journey we've been on. I'm sure that I've taxed most everyone I know talking non-stop about this little girl, adoption, international adoption, Down syndrome and all of it combined. I've said it before that this is the longest hardest pregnancy I've ever had. And true to most pregnancies, I've not done it alone.

Thank you all: Amy, Mom and Dad, Tyler, Sydney, Aunt Bev, Cheryl, friends and family...all of you in no particular order. You've all been so great to support this dream and this little girl. I think we all need this little girl in our lives. She's coming. She'll be here one day soon.

So exactly one year after I committed to her, I will sleep off my jet lag, catch up on my mail, talk incessantly on the phone and prepare more documents for the second trip of this adoption. The frosting on the cake as it were....The finalization of Gracie's adoption. She'll be Grace MacKenzie Clifton. My daughter in every sense of the word.