A glimpse of the divine

Merry Christmas little one!

How I long to teach you about Jesus. He was a boy who was born into this world as an outcast. Born into a poor family and despised by those with earthly power. Thought of as insignificant and yet evoked fear from the many who didn't understand Him.

For all of time since He came, those who come to know Him gain an understanding of the love that could only come from the One True God, the Creator of us all, the Father of life.

I think we're all supposed to pass on to others a glimpse of the divine through our own spirit that is tempered with God's love and grace. Very few people are better able to do that than a lowly orphan who is so eager to share joy with others.

You don't even know it yet but you are already doing that. Being used by God to better my life and the lives of those who love you and those who will come to love you with time. Given the chance, you will dispell the myth that is fear from those who don't understand you and the gifts you have. Of that I'm certain.

He was never born "just a boy" as you were born "just a girl", but you will also be used by God to bring joy and love to the lives of people who need it.

I can't wait to teach you about Him. It's His birthday tomorrow. He gave you and I a gift on His own birthday. He came here for all of us and He is still here now, allowing us to see a glimpse of the divine through the blessings and love of those around us.

I can't wait to tell you all about Him!

I love you immensely,

Mama

I've started to feel that same ugly feeling of doubt again. Is it ever going to happen? Will the judge find favor in me? Am I just going to freeze to death in Siberia?

I was told that I shouldn't expect to hear anything until after January 10th. It seems the Russians like to enjoy their holidays for a long time. Actually, I'm not sure how many holidays they pack into that timeframe, but it's too many as far as I'm concerned. My girl is waiting for her mama. She has no idea if I'm coming back. I wonder if the workers remind her of me and tell her that I'm coming back for her.

Christmas is a season of hope. I've believed that all my life so I guess that's just what I'll continue to do. Hold onto faith and hope in a promise that I've been given. I'll be going over to get my girl the minute the say I can and if you all would be kind enough to say a prayer for me that the judge would find favor in me. that he or she would realize that Gracie will be an incredibly loved and happy girl for the rest of her life. She didn't ask to be born with an extra chromosome, didn't ask to be left at the hospital or live the better part of her first 5 years in an orphanage, but I think if she could ask for anything, it would be to come home with her new mommy.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Reflecting on the people and things I have to be thankful for today. My mind keeps going back to Gracie's smiling face.

Back to her mischevious little giggle.

And her non-stop quest for the perfect sounding toy.

And as I answered someone's questions the other day about how I can want to get into child rearing again since I could be done. I calmly explained that I could live with nothing or noone every day.

Or I can come home to this every day.....

And this.....

Need I say more? I don't think so.

Gracie 047.avi

Here is another one. Love how she likes to learn. This is the first day of my visits. She makes me giggle when she's trying to make the cat meow. So fun!

Gracie day 5 029

I hope this works. This is a favorite one of mine. Check out her tongue! Love it. It's just so long! UGH, I miss this girl! This was the last day of my visit and she had been upset that she was going to miss her lessons so the sneaky little thing that she is, she got right past me and ran into the classroom. :)

I'm home

This is the very first picture of Gracie that I took with my camera. Taken at a time when she knew little of individual attention and knew even less of having a mama. She is pictured here with Genrich, my facilitator.

Well I'm home.

Had a miserable time trying to stay awake but did and I have to say that my bed has never felt so good. I'm anxious to grab one specific little 4 year old and snuggle the afternoon away. Someday I will.

I have to say how much I appreciate my homeland, my country, my state and my home. I'm home, where toilet paper is soft, lane lines mean something, milk is milk (not boiled and fermented), where there are seats on toilets (one day, I fully weighed the risk of kidney infection vs using the toilet that was available---The risk paid off though because I am free of any UTI), where meat means beef or pork, where a complete stranger will smile to you and offer to lend a hand if you need it. Thank God for the USA. We live in the greatest land on earth.

That being said, there is so much I will miss . Of course, first and foremost, my daughter Gracie, she is wonderful beyond my imagination, my new friends and interpreters Karina and Lesa, they were so nice to me and really gave me a feeling of comfort with their presence and help and they proved to be good photographers and the water pressure of my shower (it was amazing).

I'm so mindful of the blessings I have here at home. Understanding the words when someone speaks to you, the greeting from those whom you haven't seen in awhile, the comfort of soft toilet paper and a seat to sit on (can't be overstated), left wheeled cars and traffic that is not bumper to bumper, cool fresh air, ICE especially when it is surrounded by good fresh tea, all the TV and internet you could ask for and last but not least the love of family and friends.

I learned a lot about myself going over there. There is now nothing I wouldn't do for a little girl who is not in my hands but in my heart. I need to work on being content where I am, seeing the blessings of simple life or of the growth that comes with adversity. Recognizing potential, not just the obvious potential of that amazing little girl (and not to minimize that) but the potential that lies in me. I won't ever claim to be a seasoned traveller, but I survived (something I wasn't always sure I would do) and I'm still chewing on the concept of bravery. People say I am brave for doing this, but to be honest, have felt not even one moment of bravery through all of this. I have to say that I am scared, excited, tired, weary and determined. Making a difference to myself means making a difference to someone else at the same time. I like to think it's always been that way.

Not sure what my life will look like with that busy little girl in it full time, but it's time to start preparing for it. One thing is for sure, I need to start baby proofing my house. Now! She's got a touch of mischief in her and I need to be ready for it. But first, I think I'll take a nap. I have a little catching up to do.

Thank you all for thinking about me, sending me your positive thoughts and prayers and support. I can't wait for you to meet her! She's amazing. One of God's finer creations.

This is one of the pictures taken on day 4 of 5. It is one of my favorites. I love the sparkle in her eyes, the happiness on her face and the enthusiasm in her demeanor. She blossomed in the time I was there. Can't wait to see her continued growth and new personality.

Gracie Day 5- Last day for awhile :(

Well, much to my disapointment, my time with Gracie was shortened today. Trafic was heavy and Genrich was late. Although he had a new friend drive today and I'm pretty sure he made up some time on the road. It was a little scary! Ok it was alot scary! When we did get there, Gracie wasn't quite ready for me so we waited. Pretty soon Gracie was carried through the door by one of the workers. She was ready to go in some short little cropped pants and a sweater. Much better than the dress (although it was cute) for playing.

She enjoyed the cheerios and even got the hang of the cup with the special lid for no-spills, then before too long wanted a drink of mama's water. After that, we travelled upstairs again for a bathroom run. She didn't seem to mind that the other kids were getting suited up to go outside, but I found out later that she was very upset that she would miss class-time because of my visit. So being the mischevious child that I have found her to be, she weaseled her way into the classroom where we had lessons. It was too cute watching the teacher work with her on facial expressions. Creasing her brows, moving her tongue up and down and right to left were challenges for her coordination. So cute to watch. And let me tell you, that girl has a loooong tongue. I understand that one characteristic of DS is a short palate not a long tongue, but I wonder if she doesn't have both. Either way, it's cute!

Saying goodbye was the part I dreaded for this whole week. She was so busy and slightly ornery. She made claim to her blanket and dolly and they went first into her own bed then to multiple other beds so she could tell her friends that those were hers. I tried to get a picture of her tucking her baby into the blanket, but had forgotten to delete yesterday's pictures off the smart card so had run out of room in the memory. I'm so bummed about that. It was cute and she was so very careful and precise. In the end, I tried to tell her that mama was going paka for a long time this time but I would come back for her and that I loved her very much. Well she was much too busy for that until the very end when she figured out that mama was really leaving. I got one more hug and off she went. It made me sad, but would have made me much sadder if I had to have someone peel her out of my arms. One day, I will be back for her and we'll walk out of that door forever. That is now my landmark day to look forward to. It will come, I know it will. I have a daughter to bring home!